Friday, July 10, 2009

07/10 | 04:37 AM | Awake

I'm pretty sure I'm asleep.

Or at least, I hope. I keep praying - closing my eyes randomly throughout the days - and hoping, and praying, that when I open them again, I'll be asleep in my bed (maybe even in class!), and I'll just yawn, curse, spit, and smile. It was all a dream! Woah, and what a crazy dream, huh folks? The kind of dream my grandpa would lean back on and call a hoot, even if everyone else called it insanity. My grandpa called everything a hoot. He was a hoot himself in those years before he died.

But then I hear the screams, maybe a sudden cry in the night (maybe right outside my window) and I stop praying. Just sort of stop everything. Freeze up and curl up. My heart hurts so much then. Hurts so much now. Everything hurts and maybe always will. Until...

I suppose I should have realized how... prudent it might be to leave behind my thoughts earlier. Or at least to transcribe them by some means. Not so that others might find them, no I'm certain no one will ever read these words. It's important I jot down the events for my own sanity. Push all those bad thoughts out, into a controllable form. To lay all my cards out on the table. To bitch like a baby.

Already, my shoulders feel lighter, and I haven't even written down what's happened. Jeez, I used to laugh at the idea of a diary. Man, these things are like mental Pepto-Bismol! Although I suspect at this point, I wouldn't mind the Cherry aftertaste real Pepto-Bismol leaves in your mouth even though at one point in time (even three months ago) that taste was enough to make me retch.

My head hurts. I need to take a nap after this. A good long siesta. I'm sorta sleep deprived to be honest. Hell, that'll happen to you after you witness your family being torn to shreds right before you eyes.

Huh, waddaya know. I thought I'd cry typing that out. Not even a twitch. I guess I'm sorta numbed. Maybe I should be proud. It's hard to feel much these days. Besides the fear that is.

I'm locked in my room now. I haven't been out in days. I'll need to go out soon - I'm out of food already. But not yet. It's too soon. I can't get near the door. They're out there.

I'm using the closet as a bathroom. Doesn't stink as much as I thought it would. Just have to be careful to line the cracks with clothes and not leave the sliding door open. Don't even need toilet paper, I have old clothes for that.

I've been living off the refrigerator's vegetable drawer. I just sorta yanked it when I barricaded myself. That and a few bottles of water. Those ran out too of course.

Surprisingly, the power's still on. Nothing's on the TV. The computer wont connect to the internet. My cell-phones call's go unanswered. No bars suck.

I honestly think I'd have gone mad by now if it's weren't for my iPod Shuffle. System of a Down and Lin

1 comment:

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